On Wednesday 18th October I was busy working away in the office and Mrs Grumble shouted to me that her waters had broken… my response was shut up I am trying to work… but then it dawned on me what she had actually said and I looked over my shoulder in pure horror and went ahhhh hell!!!
For the next 24 hours we are on tender hooks but also trying to carry on as normal and get the last few jobs done around the house finished and generally be sure we are completely ready for the imminent arrival of our baby… it is getting a bit real now.
The Thursday arrives and the baby is still not here and we have 2 appointments with the midwife and they go well and we are told to not go to hospital till Friday morning.
Well Thursday night is here and we are settled for the night and and the phone rings and it is the hospital who is wondering where we are as it’s been 24 hours since Mrs Grumbles waters broke.
We get to hospital and into a private room and this is where the fun begins…
Mrs Grumble is put on a drug to get the contractions going and this goes on for a long time and the contractions get intense very quickly, so much so that Mrs Grumble wants another drug that is injected in and this whole time I am on the other side of the room wobbling about on an exercise ball bored out my skull.
At about 3 in the morning I am trying to stay awake and decided to try and perform a complex balance on the ball and in a flash my legs hit the ceiling and I am sprawled across the labour wards floor. I am in a shit tonne of pain and I am looking at the midwife and Mrs Grumble and it soon dawned on me that I was not going to get any sympathy at all from these two witches.
4am we are now looking at getting an epidural in and Mrs Grumble is crying in agony and the anesthetist is trying to get an epidural in and at 3 attempts the doctor is looking sketchy and I wanted to tell her to fuck off but they had one more go and they could not get it in so they stopped thankfully.
One thing I had noticed was that on the chart was that the babies heart rate would drop and the midwife’s were quite concerned at this but tried to hide it from us but for someone who spends their life looking at charts it was clear as day to me what was going on.
We decided to get Mrs Grumble in for a cesarean and although the nurses were pushing for a natural birth we pushed harder for a ‘C’ section. Mrs Grumble knew her body, knew her baby, and made the decision.
Within 10 minutes of that decision I was sat in theater with my scrubs on an chatting shite to Mrs Grumble. I am quite squeamish so was quite nervous at this point so was doing my best to keep my insides in and trying to reassure Mrs Grumble that she needed her insides out was a challenge but my humour got me through and I think helped Mrs Grumble through this life changing moment.
Within a couple of minutes our baby girl was out and we decided to keep the cord attached for 2 mins as that has proved to be beneficial to the baby. Well that is what the extensive research that Mrs Grumble had done prior to give birth.
The Surgeons held the baby up past the screen and I thought it was a boy at first but soon realised that was the umbilical cord (what a twat) and the nurses asked if we had a name. BABY GRUMBLE!!! They then asked how to spell it… How the fuck should I know, I thought we were going to have a sodding boy!!! We then made up the spelling and got it totally wrong.
I was then asked to come round and see our baby and cut the cord which is a moment in my life I will never forget. She was covered in lady slime and all sorts and her head looked like she had been run over by a bus but she is gorgeous and I was a very proud dad.
Once the cord was cut we weighed her and she was 8lb 6oz and then I was asked to get back behind the screen and I the held Baby Grumble for an hour or so while Mrs Grumble was being stitched up. In this time I grew a bond with my baby girl that was so special she was looking up at me and making these funny noises and I don’t think I could ever change those moments for anything better ever.
I had to go to the car a few hours later and I just sat in the front seat and cried… I don’t do emotion and all that soppy shite and I try and be strong for people who need it but I felt a an overwhelming sense of happiness but also sadness as I know my nan would have liked to have met Baby Grumble however it was time to man the fuck up and get the nappies… oh the fucking nappies!!!
Anyway that was the labour from Thursday 18th October 20:00 to 06:37 On Friday 19th October I went from being a married man to daddy and having a family and it is a moment I will never forget.
The 20th October 2017 will change my life forever
From today onwards these posts will be crude and offensive and I will probably make myself look like a proper twat but still with all things said and done I am the happiest man alive.